Trimera Diary

I've decided to make a little online thought book thingy.
Its not a diary because i usually put in what i am feeling/thinking at the time of writing it.
So here goes nothing eh?

27 August 2005
I am really really cold and i don't know why! I am utterly freezing and im wearing my shoes!(They always make me warm for some reason LoL!)
I talked to Amy earlier, great to speak to her because i miss her so much. I hate having a long distance relationship it kills me that i can't be with her. At least i can still text and occassioanlly phone her when she lets me(Haven't yet because she hasn't said i can phone the house :(   ).
Music eases the pain of my life so much.
I can tell that something is going to happen soon because the tip of my nose has gone ice cold and that always happens when something is going to happen.
I got a new otserver today and it kinda pissed me off because due to the new graphics i seem to have lost all of my mapping skills in the jungle :-( I can still do towns i think.
Need to get to a printer because the picture's i got of Amy have gone all torn where i have looked at them so much.
I am gonna get her adress and birthday so i can maybe send her a present (If the postage cost isn't too much that is).
That should be a nice suprise for her eh?
My arse hurts where i have been sitting in this chair all day because i am so bored. LoL
I have been thinking about my life and about myself as a person a lot lately. I hate the way i look but i am not gonna talk about it because last time i did i got really upset and nearly killed myself but talking to Amy stopped me from doing it. And because i can't talk to her (Mobile is broken and no internet) i would probally end up rather crying for hours on end and not eating anything for weeks and going to hospital or i would kill myself. And Amy said if i die so would she so i am trying to live as long as possible.
I gotta re-do my playlist on media player all my music gets me sad. Ah! Heres a good song =)
I have to stop now and have a nap or i am gonna get depressed again :-'(
Yummmmm i can smell my dinner... PIZZA!!! Yay!
I think that Amy is the only person that actually loves me, not even my family does. My Mum tries but she has done too much in the past for me to forget.
I will rarely update this little diary/log/book but when i do it will have long entries like this one.
Hopefully the next one will be a little more cheerful!
Hey! On a positive note: Something i downloaded from the internet actually worked!! I just hope there is no viruses on it (And no its not porn, i use secure sites for that and when i download it, it never has viruses! LoL! )
Also, i think i was meant to be with Amy, she is smart (The only girl in the world who knows what HTML is!!), she is beautiful, funny as hell, more fun than a barrell of monkeys and gets me horny just by hearing her voice! And more! She actually like me aswell!! In fats she says she loves me which is so cool!
I just pray to god that she isn't sitting at the computer desk with her friends doing this all as a HUGE joke just to make me fall into something thats not real. If that was to happen i would kill myself instantly, unless she told me and actually changed her mind and actually did like me! I would acceppt that but still be really sad.
Goin to have a nap now or i will get in a sad mood.
Bye nosey people reading this! LoL!

29 August 2005
I just had a long hard look in the mirror and i think i know what i want to do with my life now.
I am going to try and get enough money to open up a small company called Trimera™ that will make,sell and fix computers using spare parts. When i get enough money from that i will take the first plane i can get to Ireland and spend the week in Belfast so i can properly get to know her(Thats assuming we are still together by then, but i think she will dump me by then because we don't see each other enough.).
I want next August to come really fast because Amy will be down for the week again (YaY!) and i can see her in person for the first ever time!!
I hope that we don't time it when i'm at my Dad's again because that would make things really bad. I would probally not go to my Dad's just to see her (And i rarely ever see my Dad).
It makes me really sad whenever i think of her because i think i'm not good enough for her and that she will think i'm ugly and dump me one week after seeing me in person. I just hope she is like me and doesn't care at all about the distance or looks. I love her so god damn much!
I made 4 little basic cartoon clips that go in sequence about Me and Amy. It cheered me up a bit..

I want tomorrow to come quick so i can talk to her again, its been tearing me apart from inside.
I might send her this file because she posts her diary on her website so i want her to see mine too. I won't make any changes to it, i will ignore that she is reading it.
I'm listening to a song called "Creep" by "Radiohead". I think it describes me quite a lot. The guys sings about being a creep and a weirdo and nobody loves him, and he just wants someone to notice when he's not around.
Without Amy.. I.. Well i just can't picture what i would be like without her to talk to.. I would rather be dead by now or i would be so unhappy you can't imagine. I would just lock myself in my room for hours and create Tibian maps that nobody would ever see or appreciate. These maps show my deepest desires and thoughts. These maps i make everyday are me.
I have been thinking about suicide.. It would end my emotional pains and stop all my problems. The only reason i haven't already is because Amy said without me she would kill herself too. I want her never to come to harm, i want her to always be happy. I like to put other peoples happiness before mine. Like in sex i would probabally we quite good at licking women out because i prefer to give them pleasure than to recieve it. I get happy from knowing that
they are happy.
I got so much hate built up in me these days. I hate myself mostly. A famous quote from Kurt Cobain "I hate myself and I want to die." That exacally how i feel. But i won't because i refuse to die before i have met Amy. I won't let it happen! If she dies i will go too to see her in the afterlife or i will be reicarnated, and then i will spend all of my lifes after this searching for her so i may rest in peace knowing i have met her.
I want to write more but everything that happens in my life is just depressing, even the good stuff like finding Amy, that has caused me emotional pain.
Positive note: I'm talking to Amy on hotmail tomorrow!!! Yay! I am gonna ask if i can phone her house whenever and just hang up if her Dad/Mum picks up. LoL!
Also Dan is coming over tomorrow so that should be fun too :)
Hopefully tomorrow should be a fun eventful day!
I hope Amy thinks about me as much as i think of her... But she doesn't worry about stuff like i do. She is lucky, she doesn't have to worry if i will like her because i already do. I don't care for looks. I would probabally be more tempted to dump her if she was really really good looking.. In a weird way :S
I'm going to make a map about this now so take care everyone who is reading this.. Even though i am 98% chance only one going to read this.
And if i am dead when you read this--Remeber: "I did it to end my pain, i'm happy now and i have released all my worries. Get on with your lives. I wanted this its a release =)"

30 August 2005
Everything today is on a good note. Apart from like 2 or 3 things.
The computers weren't working this morning so i had to wait til 11 to talk to Amy!
She had a heart attack because she thought i had killed myself because i hadn't been on, on sunday and monday (Library was closed -.- and i wasn't on in the morning for ages either).
I send her this file too, even though i wasn't planning on but i thought that she lets me read hers so she can read mine.
I think i might go pro with this little cartoon thingy ~LoLs~
I made the first video today!! Took me like 4 hours to create parrots (Which move!) and make them talk! Also getting legs to work was hard too but i did it and made a kinda weird program to make them a little easier :)
Dan came over today we got pretty far in "Black & White Creature Isle®" and i played my OT for a little.
Amy sent over the newest story! It couldn't be more perfect.. It wasn't about the sex and stuff it made me picture the huge love in the story.. And it was in my point of view which is weird because she is a girl writting a boys view.. Didn't get everything about a boy right. She might need to learn a little more.. ;)
I'm never going to that evil Russain dentist again! He wouldn't give me pain relief ~Grr~ So i have to have it done on like 30 september 16:50 WITH pain thingy :D
Amy said that i mention her in my diary quite a lot.. Well i guess she is the only good thing in my life so i celebrate it! :-) I think she is slowy learning that she REALLY is the only good thing in my life.. My life sucks..
Yay! I got to phone her! She has such a beautiful voice! I frooze though.. So i started talking to Dan hoping she would say something because i couldn't.. I totally frozze 100% i had never frooze that bad... [Note to self: Find the right spelling of "Frooze" :P]
Downloaded that OT i have been after for ages and it wasn't OT at all it was just a 7.5! Wtf is up with that?!
Watched a little porn on my computer today.. That was nice because i masturbated a little.. Feels great.. Hrhr Amy can't atm but i can Muhaha!... I wonder what it feels like for girls.. Nice probabally :P
Rather this room is really dark i am going a little blind... (Oh shit! I thought it was a joke when they said wanking makes you blind! ;D)
ARGH! Amy wants me to go Vegi for a week to see what its like.. =/ She said meat makes me impotent.. What will it matter to her when im old and can't fuck anymore... She will have left me by then ='(
I really can't be bothered to write anymore so~
By the way I'm not gonna send Amy my diary anymore because i find it kinda pointless.. (I get the feeling she thinks i'm obsessed with her.. =/ I'm not by the way.. I just love her to bits! And so i talk about her to show off and celebrate the fact that i'm her boyfriend! See, i dont think of her being my girlfriend, I look at it more as im hers, rather than she is mine)
Oh well, good bye me and all computer hackers in my computer ;) Nobody else is reading this so~ :D
Its about 21:27, i just read that last story again.. She couldn't have got it more perfect.. How she knows my inner most desires like that i dont know.. She knew everything i want it to be like when i lose my virginity.. I can't comprehende the fact that she can know things about me like that and she has never met me! Its mad...
If that happened tomorrow i could die the day after and be in eternal happieness forever.. If would give ANYTHING for that story to come true..
I never reliased how interlectual she was.. I knew she was smart but she was uses words even i don't know the meaning of!
This vegi thing is so bloody hard, i've gone almost 12 hours like it and its like really difficult! But im not gonna let her down so i will go to the whole week and have a long think if i can spend the rest of my life like that.. She seems to believe really strongly in it. Im very against Animal Creulty but i don't know if i can only eat plants... I might like go Half Carnivore and Half Herbivore which means i will like eat meat just like not very often..
I wish that she would be more open with me.. Like if she wants to know something just come out and say it! Or if she thinks im cheating on her or something (Which i would NEVER do!) just come out and ask me straight! I like people that just say things like that straight and don't just wonder to themselves.
I want to type more i really do but i just can't think of anything more!
Ohh! Two White Stripe songs in a row! Jackpot ;)
I'm testing a new program that allows me to compile any files i want into an installasion program so i can just send it to my friends, they click it and it does everything for them!
I'm currently compiling the "My Music" folder on my computer, im gonna email it to my friends so they can see what music i like and maybe they will like it too ;D
I think Amy lies a bit.. Like she keeps saying that she is cumming and she is masturbating but i really don't think she does, she just says she is =/
And like saying she didn't sleep at all because she was too worried about me. I appreicate the fact that she is trying to make me happy though so i don't mind :)
I'm actually aren't going to sleep tonight because i think about her so much.. I want to hold her in my arms, hug her close when its cold, cheer her up when shes down, catch her when she falls and comfort her when she needs it.. But i can't do all of that just using letters and messages. Thats why i will go to Belfast one day (Soon plx!) and then i will be able to do all of those things. But hopefully i wont be able to catch her or cheer her up because i hope she nevers falls and never gets sad while i'm around.
One thing i will do in Belfast though is beat the shit out of that scum bag Ryan. Nobody should disrespect Women like he does, force them to do things and insult them when they do something from thier own will, not his! I will teach him some respect.. (Kinda off subject but.. 3 INCH DICK BWAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!! WTF! LMAO! WHAT A TEENY WEENY DICK! :'D Cries with laughter~~)
Ah horse shit! My Music thing finished and the file is far far too big! I cant send that to anyone! God dammit! :P

Righty, think Mum's coming so i better end it here.
Nice long entry today!
Holy shit... I have mentioned Amy so much :S I am so crazy about her! Love her to bits!
I'm truly blessed :) And to think i only emailed back looking for a erotic story and i ended up with a really beautiful, Smart and deep girlfriend!... Whos really dirty too!(Which is always a bonus!)
Night Everyone and Everything :-) Hope ya find love too.

31 August 2005
Last entry was pretty long :P
idk if this one will be aswell but it might.
Its been like 35 Celcius today :/ But i never feel the heat at all. I've been wearing all black today (Well i do anyways :P) and i haven't been hot at all :D
I've noticed i've done lots of smilies in these 5 lines xP
I found a new program that can burn videos to CD's without a DvD re-writer yay!
It also converts songs to this weird thing that makes them go from like 5mb to like 500kb! Its great i can fill my mp3 player up much more now :D:D
Amy really offended me today.. She said her friend Aoife or Henry or someone said "How you know Callum isn't talking to you because he's bored?" And that really hurt me because Amy actually stopped and thought about it! She actually doubted me and thought that i would do something like that... Makes me really sad :-'(
Gonna phone her house tonight and maybe talk to her Dad.. He's irish i won't be able to understand what he's saying! ARGH! He might ask me questions too :o
My dog went in the river today and just stood there looking at me... She is a dumb dog!
Oh, songs are converted! Lets try them out!
Aff, they are alright... But the song quality sucks!
Makes everything sound robotic and electric! But Daft punk already song like that so it makes it song uberly weird! omg Sandstorm came out like shit! Sounds like all my songs are underwater :S:S
Amy said for me to say everything i hate about myself so here we go!
1. I am lanky :'(
2. I have spots :'(
3. I'm starting to get a mono-brow and have to pull the hairs out so i don't look like a twat :'(
4. Actually, im not fat.. I went on a big diet and lost loads of weight xD
5. I'm plain ugly :'(
6. Nobody loves me, and the only person who does doubts my love for her! :'( (and that hurts)
7. I smell really bad because i have ran out of deodrant :/ And i got no money :'(

There is more reasons but i can't think at the moment too many things in my head at the moment.
I spent so many hours on that movie and i cant work out how i am gonna get it to Amy :/
Oh ya, she sent me a new picture she made its really sweet and made my heart beat so estatic!
There is some writing in the backround.. I can't read it properly.. It says like... "He'll only do it again tomorrow" and thats all i can read :/ I'll ask her on the phone tonight.

An extract from the song "Something About Us" by Daft Punk:

"I might not be, the right time.
I might not be, the right one.

But theres something about us, i want to say.
Because theres something between us anyway.

I might not be, the right time.
I might not be, the right one.

But theres something about us, i've got to do.
Some kind of secert i will share with you.

I need you more than anyone in my life.
I want you more than anyone in my life.
I'll miss you more than anyone in my life.
I love you more than anyone in my life."

If i could i would sing that to Amy.. But i can't sing it good enough.. And im not brave enough to do it.

Whenever i start to feel down the same song always comes on..
And i start to cry.. And i get really sad and upset for hours.. And then i start to feel suicidal again.. And i hate myself.. Then i usually text Amy and she talks to me and i feel better.. But.. This time i can't.. My phone is broken.. I'm feeling really sad and depressed right now.. I really just want to talk to someone about it but the only two people that have ever talked to me when im like this are Amy and James (My best friend) and i did it using text not speech.. Amy must think im like some big wimp because i cried to her while talking.. She was probally thinking "What kind of guy crys? He is such a pussy, i can't stand him!" But she still comforts me and that makes me feel really good inside knowing the fact that i have someone that cares about me so much and is always there for me no matter what! I love her for that, she will never know just how much i would do for her and what i would do for her.
Like i said before, this isn't a diary. Its more of a thought journal.
If i was to die.. I think that there would be nobody that would cry.. I don't even know if Amy would because she has never met me so she probally wouldn't cry. I wonder if she would come to the funeral.. I doubt she really loves me that much! It would be really nice if she did come though.. :-)
I would travel to Ireland if she died.. I would find her grave, dig up the coffin, kiss her dead, cold lips once and then plunge a dagger into my heart. So i fall dead onto her and die in happieness knowing that i died with her.. And then spend my afterlife with her.

I can still remeber the two saddest days of my life. The first one was when my first dog Bently died.. I loved that dog so much! I can feel tears coming to my eyes when i said his name... Images of playing with him.. Damn i gotta stop or i will cry and amy will think im a real wuss.
And the other saddest day of my life was finding out that Belfast is in Ireland.. I was so sad, my heart ached for hours i was so depressed and so sad!

My ot is going weird.. All of the creatures seem to be going invisible and crashing the server... Its another bad thing added to my life..

Amy said to me earlier on msn "you have a lot to say and lots of feelings". She said that when she had finished reading the diary, she couldnt have been more true.. I have so many feelings and no way to express them. They are all locked up in my body screaming and bashing to try and get out.. Its driving me insane!
She called me deep too. That meant alot to me.. I hope she meant it in a good way and not meaning i have mental issues..

I reminds me of something i said to her a long time ago, when she was going out with Ryan. I said "I have a lot of love to give, and nobody to give it to." That night we talked for hours and i used so much credit! The next morning she said to me "Help. I think i've fallen in love with you. You said you have a lot of love to give and nobody to give it to, i would take it gladly."
That email made me so happy. But.. I feel kinda bad for Ryan because i think i was partly responisble for them breaking up, and i feel bad for him because i made him lose a girl which you will never find another one like. Amy is unique and she is so wonderful.
I am going to list all the good things about her.
1. She is beautiful
2. She is smart
3. She is funny
4. She is erotic
5. She has a soft voice (Which gets me hard EVERY time i hear it)
6. She's not afraid to express her feelings
7. She is not like everyone else which is cool!
8. She seems to be as crazy about me, as much as i am of her!
9. She can write such amazing stories, i like being made horny by someone using only a few words that were written, not said
10. Her hair is out of this world! It looks so soft and perfect.
11. She has beautiful blue eyes... So beautiful to look into on the picture, the real thing must be incredible.
12. She's not shy at all, she wrote on her website that i made her cum! And thats to all of her friends and possibally family!
13. She random is such a good way!
14. She is so totally weird in such a spectaular way!
15. She loves animals and trys to stop creulty to them
I could go on for hours but i really can't be bothered because i have got too much to say!

I just got off the phone with Amy, i was expecting to only talk to her for 10 minutes top, we talked for almost one hour!
I froze for the first 5 minutes but she helped me relax and i was fine! (Hope i didn't come off too pervy :P)
She is so totally amazing! I got to talk to her properly. I am like in such a great mood now i just want to scream "I LOVE YOU AMY!" at the top of my voice for all the world to hear!
She is so great, she seems to like me more than i thought. She was talking to me like she has known me for ages. I learnt so much about her. She made me laugh so much and she is such great fun. I hope with all my heart she is thinking the same thing.
After about 40 mins i thought i heard my mum so i hung up, and when i was saying bye i said "bye, love ya" but i don't think she heard it! :'(
And it toke so much courage for me to say that! Argh! :p
I thought i was in love, but now i think different... I know im in love! I couldn't leave her if i tried! xD
(Kinda off subject, where the keyboard is on my lap. When i type it makes my balls like bounce up and down lmao! Feels nice xP)
I just wonder what she would be like if we where on our own.. And when she wasn't on her period because she would be able to be more erotic and a little better mood. Although she seemed pretty nice to me.
Argh! Im well happy right now. All thoughts of suicide and all depression has left my body! I hope it stay in this mood for a long time! I like really hyper and typing doesn't drain it so i can type really really fast and not get tired at all :D:D:D:D:D
IM GOIN CRAZY!!!!!!! Ogala dee !!!! IDK WHAT THAT MEANS!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!! xD :-) =) =] =p xP :-p WAAAAAAAAHHHHHOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
IMETROL!
I wish i was with her right now! I would hug her really tight to me and kiss her passionatly for 10 minutes! With our warm,wet lips pressing againist each others and our tounges playing with each others, her arms around my neck and mine around her waist. And when she is off her period i would make sweet passionate love to her over and over again until she is in utter harmony and cumming like a bottle of milk being poured! Her nipples hard and erect. Laying on her back breathing heavily smiling saying "If thats your first time then i will die when you get some practise ;D)
I want to lose my virginity to someone special not just any old girl. I would love to lose it to Amy. Thats if.. she would like to have sex with me. I hope i can give her lots of pleasure in the future, both physical and emotional fun ;D (like sex and us having fun in a theme park or something)
I have never felt the feeling i get when i talk to Amy, before. Its so new and weird. I get this strange tingling feeling inside of me thats all weird but kind of nice :-)
I do hope that Amy feels the same way i feel about her. And when she reads this, if she thinks i talk about her too much its her own fault for making me really happy and making her be in my mind all the time. I can't stop thinking of her even if i wanted to! Its her fault i love her so much. My friends are getting kind of fed up of me always talking about her. I wonder if she talks to her friends about me... Hope she does i like to be talked about, as long as its good talk :D
Now that i think about it.. I can't find a single bad thing or fault about Amy what-so-ever! Not one bad thing... Thats kinda weird you know.. She is so perfect. I hope its meant to be between us.
LoL! I'm only 14 and im talking about stuff 20-40 year olds think of! :P
and before anyone says long distance relationships don't work, my Dad and my step-mum used to talk on the phone and on msn for like a year and now they are married! So it can work out between me and Amy ;D Thats if she wants to work out.. But i think we will end up breaking up because she wants to have a boyfriend closer to her. Because she will not doubt get a little annoyed not being able to kiss anyone, hug anyone or have sex with anyone. I can take it because i never have done any of those things so its easy for me. But she is a beautiful girl, so she has had loads of boyfriends before and she has had sex with one of them (To my knowledge only one) and she has kissed them and hugged them so~
She is smart and pretty so boys will probally ask her out loads and it will get kinda hard for her to keep rejecting them because she says she has a boyfriend in England. And i dont think she will but she might cheat on me thinking i wont ever find out and then things get serious between them and i'm left in the trash... But i don't think Amy would do that to me, she is such a kind sweet girl.
:') I can feel a tear of happieness in my eye... This is the first time in my life i have cried with happieness! That is so weird!

Unlucky for me i have some weird condition where i have weak tear glands and so my eyes water really easy and it looks like i'm crying when im not. But the easy way to tell is that when i cry my tears will be warm and i will have a sad look on my face. And when i cry i don't hide it i let it out when my eyes water i always try to get rid of the fake tears so i dont get mistaken for crying. It really annoys me because people take the piss out of me at school for it.

I get kinda bullied.. Not seriously but some kid called Jamie just likes to piss me off and hit me to show off infront of his friends. But it all changed on the last day of school when i said "Fuck off!" and i punched him in the face and broke his nose! ~PROUD!~

Fuck me! I write more and more everyday! Like i said, this isn't a diary its more of a thought journal so i write what i feel and think. So obvioulsy the more and i write, the more i have felt and thought of during the day.

OMG! Gay, Amy goes back to school on Friday! Can't talk to her and loads of boys will be giving her attention :S
Things are gonna be so much different when we go back to school.. We will talk when we get back from school and not before.. How strange..
I wonder if she is gonna tell all of her friends in school about me.. :-) I like to be talked about!
:O If she does i will probally get loads of girls messaging me on msn :o
I don't mind though i will talk to them for Amy's sake so they all think "Amy you got such an amazing boyfriend" lol :p And she will be able to show off and be proud!
All my friends are gonna be jealous! Hahahahha!
:o Tom, Jake and Mikey are irish too.. They will ask me loads argh!
OMG They might know her! That would be too cool :D
I need to print a new picture of Amy, its all fallen apart where i hug it close to my heart when i sleep. And the other went purple in the washing machine lmao! (Lucky the picture stayed intact and my Mum didn't find it! That would be hell if anyone in my family knew about Amy!)

Thats a point... MOTHER FUCKING SCHOOL IN ONE WEEKS TIME! ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!! ~Goes crazy and kills everyone in England,Wales and Scotland (Can't walk anywhere else :S)

I wanna buy a boat.. sail to Ireland, pick up my godess of sex (No Offence or blasthify inteded towards God, sorry if you are offended i repent it if you do :( ) And i do something which will probally end up as going to Mac Donalds for like ages and then sitting thinking.. "Why are we here? We are vegi.. weird..." and then she will go home i will hopefully get a kiss on the cheek or something ( :D Pretty good for first time meeting! Shows she liked me which is always good :D) and then i will sail back to England and go home sit on the sofa and think. "I'm stupid!" And run back to my boat sail to Ireland and be with Amy for many happy years (Fingers Crossed~)!
And thats all my life summed up into a couple of sentances! LoL!

I just got a cold shiver.. And my nipples went all weird LoL! Thats a question.. Whats the point of men having nipples? There is no scientific reason why! LoL!

Shit mum is home Bye all!
22:09 Tarakudo: w00t da f00k? Test of new "lil love stoires" working? xD

Program i made works ^.^
I wrote so much today!
Went from 14kb to about 30kb! omg lol
Night All. You'll be in my dreams Amy. :-')

1st September
I got a really weird feeling in my stomach atm.. I got it yesterday too when i was talking to Amy.
Not much to say today. I'm gonna be really down tomorrow because Amy is going back to school tomorrow. Which means i can't talk to her tomorrow. She has monday off but the library is closed which means i can't really talk to her until wendesday which is when i go back to school. I hope that we both get back from school at the same time.
I'm gonna phone her when my Mum goes out to Tesco's shopping yay!

Such bored :p

Two songs in a row that kinda mean something to me. Something about us and Teenage dirtbag. This feeling in my stomach is getting stronger. Much stronger. It isn't painful or making me feel ill its just there and feels kinda weird. :P

Showed Amy last night's entry. She seemed to like agree witht the good things and make me feel better about the bad things. She didn't comment on me crying though which means she does think i'm a wuss.
I don't mean to cry its just that with everything going on in my head it gets a little too much some times and i break down and the easist thing to do is just sit in silence and cry to myself and if i didn't do that then i would do something that wouldn't be too smart.. But still be a release for me. But.. as i said to Amy: "Think to yourself, do i really want to die before i meet the boy who is crazy about me??" So i try to say to myself "Do i really want to die before i meet that wonderful girl that i am madly in love with named Amy??" And thats why i cry. I don't want to but it helps. I don't really cry that much its only after i started to talk to Amy.

:( All of her friends hate me.. They swear and hiss at me on the chatroom thingy on her site. I dont know why they do that... I didn't do anything to them. Oh well i guess its just another name to add to the list of people who hate me.

Awwwwww!Viney is being so cute! She is so cool :D

Just got off the phone with amy.Amy. On there for 59:15 !
We didn't want to hang up but she had to get ready for school and if i didn't hang up i would have to start to pay on the phone bill =/
I love talking to her so much! I kinda want to stop though because i keep hutrting myself wheneveer i am on the phone to her LoL!
LoL! She was talking dirty to me and i got an ercection lmao!
She said she loves me on the phone!!!!!
Awwwwwww! }My heart went mad! I swear i don't know what i'd do without her i love her so much! :-)
She makes me so happy and thats rare because i'm usually very depressive.
She has a unique talent of making me smile and making me laugh. I never smile unless im talking to her. I couldn't believe it! I know how much she its shy about saying it on the phone but she did! I meant so much to me that she said that!
It hurts so much to hang up because i want to remain talking to her!

I like to say i love other people as a joke because she goes like "Owwww" and i love it when she makes that noise because it makes me laugh! So i am gonna do it like loads lol!

I said i want to marry your Dad, as a joke, and she was like "Owwwww i wanted to marry you!" and i mean, we are only 14! And already talking about marriage lol!
But... if i get along well with her in real life aswell as internet/phone then i would be happy to marry her. Only problem is it would involve one of us leaving our homeland. And i am very pate-tree-ot-ick (Can't spell it so i sounded it out) so i won't be happy about leaving England. But.. if we get on well i would move to Ireland.

But im only 14! So kinda planning ahead eh? lol!
Kinda weird.. Amy is 14 in september and yet she qualified for year 10.. How weird but kinda cool because now my friends won't take the piss saying im going out with a year 9 and start calling me a kiddy fiddler. But i don't care about age. I would love her just as much if she was 8 or 80! Well... maybe not that old or young. But if we are still toghether when we are 80 then i would still love her to my ever closer death.
mmmmmmmmm, Thats a really nice thought.. I just imagined sitting on the porch with Amy... When we are like 80... I pictured us growing old toghether.. Being together through the good and bad. Being scared about going through an operation and being so happy with a baby..
Oh my god... I'm only 14...
I would love to do all of those things and i'm sure Amy would too but as always fate will probabally interveen and a conflict will arise. However i will fight it for as long as i possibally can so i may one day be able to do all of those things i imagined.
As i write this and Amy reads it i know that she too imagined all of those things and smiled. Read the part about fate and agreeded and read the bit about fighting fate and growing old toghtether and smiled again and agreed. Well... Thats what i hope she did.. I would put money down on it actually :P

Oh dear... She wanted me to go onto msn at 2 tomorrow because she is at school and i can't... I'm going to Dan's. I will go on in the morning and email her explaining. Hopefully Dan will let me go on msn at his house for a little bit. He knows how me and Amy feel about each other and he doesn't make fun he just plays around and makes some jokes like the erotic stories for me ;D

I hope i have a dream about Amy tonight because all of my dreams feel real and i can always feel everything in them.

I was just thinking.. This isn't a diary or a thoughts journal.. This is my head on paper! LoL!
I write down all of my feelings, all of my thoughts and dreams. This is my head. I am basically dictating my own mind! As soon as a i think it i write it! How strange!

That actually explains why i write so much about Amy in here.. Because she is all i think about!

What i love most about her is that i act my normal self on the phone... Well... I show off a little bit... and she finds just me, myself funny. She laughs at all of the things i do in my normal life.. Everything i do normally she finds fun, comical and cute. Oh! I really love it when she says "Cute!" its so sweet!
We did a little lovers thing today on phone! I go love you, she was love you, i go love u more, she goes i love U more and we did that for a while and i really loved it! Hearing somebody that has never met me in my life say they LOVE me from just my personality.. She honestly is my every dream. I was singing and she said she was enjoying it! Most people tell me to shut up. I can't belive she said she was enjoying listening to me singing. She could have remained silent if she didn't like it but she was kinda making a slight not laugh but like MmMmMm like a mmm sigh. ~"Most Excellent Ted!" "Yeah Bill!"~
x
I am singing because i enjoy to :D Fuck everyone else who doesn't like my singing, don't like it? Well piss off then!

I just got what she said earlier... She said if it was your b-day i'd be there. She ddn't mean she would come for my birthday it because i was saying i found some things and its really lucky.. "Must be my birthday!" i understand what she meant. Thats really sweet! I wish i reliased earlier.

Another good quality of Amy. She thinks im crazy and she says "Your crazy! I love it! Don't ever change!" So great!

I have been thinking for the past 24 hours and i have yet to find a single bad thing about Amy herself.

I really appreciated something she said to me on the phone. She reassured me about my spots. She is cool and made me feel much better. She goes "You got them and it don't matter, just don't put orange plaster on your face like the girls in my schools. Let them come and go.

Well, i'm tired now. I want to write more but i am tired.
Good night. Wish me luck with having a dream ;D
I hope its a good one. (Not all good dreams involve sex btw lol)
Good-night World~
(Adults have no idea what goes through a teenages head. They think they do but they have no idea... Haha~ They don't know the pain we feel and the dirty stuff we get up to ;D and they never will...)

2 September
Kinda pissed off..
Early was cool because Amy gave me some commentry on her masturbation (She got me really really hard!)
We were gonna have phone sex tonight because she is off her period and can masturbate again! Yay!
But... i had a FULL house! On a friday!
What a night to pick to stay in!

Me and Dan remebered we have a HUGE maths thing due in on wendesday and we haven't even started it! LoL!

I just finished making a kinda lame but kinda alright picture for Amy. I'm definatally keeping a copy.

I talked to her friend Aoife. She thinks i'm a 40 year old pervert :-( Well here is some proof! Name one 40 year old who knows what a chav, an emo-child and a grunger is! Tell me one!

I'm not 40 years old. I'm just an English boy who loves an irish girl :D

Not much to say today..

Pff.. I Like Pie!

I wonder what Amy's doing... God i wish i could just pick up the phone and start talking but i can't there is too many people about! >:( Unfair! I want my Amzy!!! WAAAHHHH!!! ~Hugs Teddy Bear~ LoL... I'm mad... :P

"Music's Got Me Feeling So Free!" Daft Punk - Septemeber 21st 2001.

When i woke up this morning... I felt.... Well incredibally horny (I will talk about that in a mo ;) ) and i thought... "I don't want to kill myself.. There is no feelings towards to suicide at all.. I love Amy too much and she loves me.. Her love has over-whelmed me and i don't want to die.. Thanks Amy.."
I know your dieing to hear the details so.. Like i said i was very horny! Usually i wake up with an average 6 incher but this time i had a good 7 inches on it. I rubbed my head a little and i could feel my pulse through my dick. It has feeling really good too so being half asleep i went into the toilet and masturbated and without warning i cummed all over myself! (If Amy was there she would be laughing!) and i got covered -.- And because i was half asleep i forgot... If you wank a "Morning Wood" then its aches for the rest of the day >.< So i have been aching all day, although it did feel so good to masturbate this morning. :D (I know Amy will read my diary eventually and enjoy this part ;D )

~Puts keyboard on lap~
OOF! I forgot it does this when i got the keyboard on my lap ;D
I'm feeling so horny at the moment. I'm gonna look at Amy's pics for about 5 mins.
~Oh Hello There!~ I just got an erection ~Blush~ LoL!
Well with the keyboard making my balls bounce and me feeling very horny Amy's pics made my dick go mad! Feels really good so i am gonna type fast for a second.
--Ignore this part its for myself pleasure (I'm a dirty boy but i don't care! It feels good :D)
IGNORE!-- dfdsfjjfjfjjgritsj;gfljds;gjjgjgjjsdgjsjgjgjsirkrkf,kfmfmvjkvmvjvmmvmvmvkfif,klff,ffkfmjfmfmjfmfifmjfufmufmrumfumdurmgjjgkjgljlgjlfdjgkljgkljglkjklgjlgjldjgljdgkljdlgjljgpjgjrgpijpgjrgjiejgijgijrgijrgjigjijgipjergipjripgjipgjipejrgipejgpijgj9gjpgj9rwpjrg09bvm9gjca;;umsafdjmffmamuy is ios uberness! That made them bounce! ;D I'm done!

Right! I'm finished ;D
That was some good shit! :D
Argh! I'm so horny and there is too many people in for me to wank without them hearing me! Argh! My dick has gone right down my leg! LoL! xD
Such Horny!! Argh!!
Looks at Amy again~~ And again... AND AGAIN! xP

If she was here now i would fuck her brains out!
I would make love to her for up to 2-3 hours! I'm not joking! I would make her scream out in pleasure and cum all over my bed!

I just remebered something.. Me & Dan were looking at toon porn as a joke earlier and there was some boy bending over on all fours while his girlfriend licked his ass and was wanking him.
She then started to suck him off but stopped when he said he was gonna cum.
This is the bit i can't get out of my head.. :S She got this weird handle thing with some string and a ball of the end of the string. He goes "What? What is that? Don't stop it!" and she put it into his ass and said "Switch on!" he was going "No! Stop! oohhh!" and then it started to vibrate. It showed his dick, it went erect and he came while the thing was vibrating..
idk why but for some reason that got me really horny... It was cartoon.. I am kinda half wondering if that really works.. I was thinking about trying it but i dont think i will because i dont want to be gay... But i just wanna experiment and see if it really works.. If vibrating your ass can make you cum.. I really don't know why it turned me on but i don't want it to anymore because im worried :S
I don't want to be gay.. I love Amy and yet i am thinking of putting something in my ass? :S:S
I don't really want to be bi-sexual i just want to be normal :-(
Hopefully Amy will help me out.
I am gonna look at my lesbian porn to straighten me out ;) It will be gone by the morning..

My shortest entry i think. Well, im going now. Might add some later on.

Right, i just got out of the shower. And because i was feeling very curious and i didn't like i had to try it out... When i was in the shower i put a toothbrush in my arse. I just had to see what it was like, thank god i hated it! I don't know why it turned me on but i doesn't anymore. I am 100% straight again!
I wasn't gonna write any of that gay stuff because i thought "What is Amy thinks i'm gay?" But i remebered.. "Hang on a minute... This is my diary! I show her this by my own choice. I don't care. Anyways i didn't like it so i'm not gay, plus i dont like cocks -.-"

How could anyone be gay when they are around Amy? Apart from her friend Garreth... who sh said wanted to bed me... Hummm, has she been telling people my measurements? ;D I don't care, she can post it on her site if she wants! I'm not embarassed by my size, im quite pround so she can show off and tell all her friends that her boyfriend has a 7 inch dick! :D

God i miss her so much! I need to talk to her! I just want to phone her and say as soon as she says "Hi" i want to say "Amy! I've missed you so much! I LOVE YOU! I need you so badly i want to be with you through the good and bad, sad and happy!" I want to say all that right   now but i'm not brave enough to do it! :-(
If i phone her tomorrow then i will try to say it.

I wish i had the internet, i would post her a webcam and mic so we could talk on webcam and mic for hours! :D:D

I would never go! Thats a point.. when she is on the good msn i will over James's and see if he will let me talk to her on webcam. Its laggy and i think its half-broken but at least she can see me properly.
I'd love to see her on webcam. I think she looks stunning in the picture of her when she has had a bad day and thinks she looks terrible.
She really needs to come around and relaise she is actually amazingly beautiful!

Oh i had a dream last night that she came to my house and we went upstairs and all we did was look at a new game she wanted to buy in a magazine. I still loved the dream very much though! It was great to look at her and hug her to my side when we were looking at the magazine.

I want to write more but i can't because my Mum is going to bed and my keyboard is very loud (But i love loud keyboards because the keys sound really cool LoL!)

Good-Night All~
Kiss To Amy~Hope You Have A Dream About Us :-)

3 Septemeber 2005
I just got off the phone with Amy, we talked for over 2 hours!
It was great!
We had phone sex! It felt really good and i could hear her moan! It was realy nice and i came loads (Think she did too :D:D )

Its was so fun, we get on really well toghether.
We even had a little arguement about who loves who more xD
Such much i love her so much !
She laughs at my everyday things :P

Hummm, she said her plane ticket cost only £2.. If thats true then i might be able to go to Belfast sooner than i once thought.. <G>

I want to write more but i am going out so i will continue later.

Actually... I got on phone with her at 12 and got off at 3 so thats more like 3 hours than 2! OMG! Time flies when your with the person you love eh? xD

I write more when i get back, gotta eat too she starved me LoL!
So thats, Cyber-Sex, Text-Sex and now Phone-Sex! All we need now is Sex! :D:D
P.S I loved to her moan when she was fingering herself. It gets me so turned on! xP
Oki, im back!
I can't get Amy outta my head! Argh she is making me sweat with passion and wild with desire!
I want to be with her so much!

My Mum and her boyfriend are arguing over some noodles -.-
The shop apparently gave him noodles instead of some rice shit.
I reckon that he just got the order wrong, thats why he didn't take it back.
God i hate him so much!

Holy fuck!
My room is all dark and i heard something behind me, i looked around and saw my dog laying on the floor!
Omg i didn't notice her there!
Gave me a heart attack!

:-(I can't talk to my beautiful princess for 2 nights :(:(
I'm counting the seconds until tuesday LoL!

I'm going to Dan's tomorrow, or he'll come to mine. So we can do that coursework for Mr.Palfrey, we have had so long to do it and we have left it to the last minute! LoL!

I've been thinking... If i can get a house when i'm 16 then i can legally move out into it.. Which means i can travel to Belfast at 16! But i doubt i can get a house. Oh well, i might just tell my Mum when i'm 16 and fly over there LoL!
I wonder if you need a passport :S
I hope me and Amy are still toghter when i'm 16. Because we would have been going out for 2 years.. And thats quite a long time for teenagers...

I really want to go over to Belfast and knock on the door on Amy's birthday for a really BIG birthday suprise LoL! But i can't get over there :-(

She asked if she came over to England could she live under my bed, well i would let her share my bed with me. Serious if she comes over to England there will always be a place for her to go ;D
I would let her live with me for a while but i doubt my Mum would.. So she would probabally go and live with her uncle.
I get so angry because her Dad beats her up.. Whenever i think about it i get so full of rage i want to go over there and beat the shit out of him and smash that prick Ryan, i wanna smash his face in with a sledge-hammer!

If Amy came to live in England with her uncle because of her Dad i would get to sunbury asap and see her! (And rent a hotel room before ;D Just incase we get on really well)

She wants to see a more recent photo of me.. I haven't got any :(
I'm scared she won't like me either because i don't look much like my picture i sent her.
And all her photo's make her look so great!

.. every night and morning i kiss her photo and say "I love you so much Amy!" i say that everyday, those exact words. I make sure she is the first and last face i see everyday =)
Her best photo (Well the most clear one because the printer broke and made her purple LoL!) is in 3 pieces where i have looked at it and hugged it closed so many times. And kissed it because i want it to be her because i want her so badly.

She said she doesn't think i'm a wuss because i cry. I guess i'm just... sensitive.. and in the movies girls seem to love sensitive guys so i guess thats pretty good :D

LoL! She gave me a masturbation tip ;D
She said wrap a flannel around the shower head so it falls in a stream, and then put an elastic band around it so it stays like that. Then let the water pour onto my head and i should start cumming really fast! She said she lays down with her legs open and lets the water pour onto her clit and it makes her cum so it should work for me too..
I would think the water would make lots of noise so i will do it when nobody is in..
I find it weird how she talks about her body and the things she does to herself, she says it so openly!
idk if she only does it for me or everyone. She said on her website "A masturbation tip for girls, rub some toothpaste on your clit and it will make your clit tingle and feel minty and should make you cum very fast!"
She is so dirty and not shy at all! I wouldn't want her any other way :D She is so right for me LoL!

She said she is making a new website just about her and her friends, and she said there is gonna be a bit about me on there (Totally Cool! :D) and so she wanted me to send her an email saying lots of things about me! How the hell can i do that! Idk what she wants to know!
So she is going to send me a questionairre that i will fill out. I love filling those things out! Its so fun! LoL!
She should know she can ask me anything in the world! Even if its my deepest darkest secret i would tell her! But she never asks me anything! I love being asked stuff its well fun LoL! Espically if its kinky lol!

I'm looking forward to seeing her new site, because i like reading what people say about me and i like filling out question forms... I'm really weird lol!
I like to read good things and bad things about me!
It will be interesting to see what Amy doesn't like about me because then i can try and change so she likes me better ¦D
I really like reading about myself.

Awww, Viney has woken up.. She wants to back downstairs i think.
=) She had a nice little nap.

Owwww! I want my Amzy!
I know that she won't cheat on me being so far away! I trust her so much. She doesn't want me doubting her at all and i don't want her doubting me so we tell each other almost EVERYTHING!
Well.. I tell her almost everything and i trust that she tells me almost everything too.
I love her an awful lot and trust and believe everything she says because i love her so much!
I might seem gulable but i guess i just have alot of trust in the women i am madly in love with.

I think Amy said this or it might be me. "I'm blinded with love because i can't see you..."
Well that is so true =)
I hope Amy lives up to her word, when she said "I don't care what you look like. I will still love you just as much"
I hope she lives up to that because i think she will think i'm ugly =(
Because i think i am just plain ugly.. Actually that is mainly due to that horrible bitch Emma... She was saying such horrible hurtful things on the phone to my friend and i could hear her and it hurt me so much.. I didn't care what she thought because i didn't like her its just she was saying stuff like "I've seen ugly people before but he is just really ugly and i don't think anyone will ever love him." I don't care what she thinks but that hurt me so much!
I felt really sad and thats the main reason i think i'm ugly and why i'm always depressed... Thats until i met Amy, she made me feel good about myself. I really appreciated that.

I want to type so much more but its getting kinda late so i gotta go before i make too much noise and get yelled at (Not allowed on any computers after 6 pm and i'm on it at 10:30 hehe..

I want to hug someone ~Hurmpth! Sits with arms crossed and does little kid sulk thingy!~
I want to hug Amy!!
I love hugging its so cool :D
Saying that, i have only ever hugged two people out of my family. My friend Jasmine and my friend Amy (Not girlfriend Amy, a different Amy)

Well i gotta go now... Unfortuantally..

Pleasent dreams all~
Love ya Amzy ;-)

4 September 2005
Hej!

Its very hot.. I got hot when everyone else wasn't anymore -.-

I just been in the shower, i tried that masturbation tip Amy gave me. It didn't work at all. The only thing that got me hard was when i pictured Amy fingering herself on the phone yesterday, but i pictured i was watching her. LoL!

Such such hot!
Been very bored today.

Gotta phone Amy today or tomorrow to see when she will be on msn tuesday.

...
I think i might have eaten something a bit "Funky" because i am a little unwell, i won't go into detail though.. LoL.

I gotta arrange something about this dreaded coursework. I am gonna suggest to Dan that i go to his and so does Tom and we all do it like that because Tom as a rough idea but me and Dan know nothing Lmao!
We just talked about Tibia all lesson!
~Thinks To Self~ How the hell am i in top sets for everything?! 0.o?

Not much to say... missing Amy a lot.. Getting phone back tomorrow hopefully! Yay!
~Turns up music to max~ Cor Blimey! Thats so loud! LoL!

Right! Just got off phone with Dan & Tom. We are going to Dan's house tomorrow and doing that dreadful coursework LoL.

Might be going into Kingston briefly too to pick up my phone! :D I can text Amy again! Yay! I'm gonna write a really romantic text so she goes "Awwwww!" in the middle of lesson and her heart melts in lesson lol! Then her friends get jealous because she has a romantic boyfriend :P
Thats if my phone is fixed by then :S

I really can't be bothered to talk at the moment so this is a really short and pointless entry.
I want to talk to Amy on msn/phone and just see how she is and whats she's been up to. Make sure she is happy :-)
Might write later~

5 Septemeber 2005
WWWOOOAAAAHHHH!!!!! ~HUGE GUITAR SOLO BY DAFT PUNK (AERODYNAMIC!)
AAAAHHHHHHHHH Loud!!!!
\,,/ ^o^ \,,/ ROCK ON BITCHES!

Yo all of those voices in my head :P
As you have probabally guess i am in a fantastic mood today! Why? i hear you ask. I don't know! (Said i dont know in voice Amy likes :D)
It could be because everyone has spent all their summer doing this coursework and i have just took Tom's and changed it so it is really good lmao. And because of my 1337 speed typing i have wrote 5 pages (Thats 743 words) in 20 minutes! xDxDxDxD Thats about a word a second :D "Tarakudo: GM Hur ""Can you match the speed of time itself? I can ;)"
But it is probabally the fact that i talked to Amy over Dan's and i made her really happy by just talking to her. And when she is happy i am fanatical! Hang on lemme start a new paragraph for this.

Oki, we had cyber sex in a three way convo with her friend listening in. We weren't touching ourselves (Well, she might have been LoL!) but we were still having cyber.
She told me she loved the way i was talking when i was wanking when we were having phone sex! Haha, do i talk different? :P
She said when i said "i'm cumming right now" that she was in heaven. So she is happy therefore that makes me happy too xP
When we both have an empty house for a while i am gonna ask her for phone sex again because i was so totally horny listening to her masturbate.
Actually thats how it started the first time. She was lightly masturbating and i could hear her quiet moans. She also kept saying that she really wanted to masturbate. So i suggested we have phone sex, and it all went from there!
I actually did wank and cum and i am just taking her word when she says that she was fingering herself. Even though idk why she would do it with her Mum in the next room... Anyways they were very good fake orgasams if they were fake. It felt really good when i was wanking and she sounded like she was enjoying herself so i slowed down a lot so it would take longer for me to cum and therefore she could go longer. She kept saying "You must of came by now!" although... I don't think that she knows how fast men cum. We can't just touch our cocks and they cum. If you are wanking on your own then it takes about 10 minutes upto even 40 minutes! (40 minutes if when you go really slow and rub your balls and head loads. the 40 minute ones are really nice and feel so much better than the quick 10 minute ones. The first time me and Amy had cyber sex (I was alone at my Dad's house) i was masturbating and giving commentry and she was doing the same. I cummed in about 2 minutes because she made me so horny and i was so turned on! She is so good at giving me pleasure.
I can tell she wants my cock badly... LoL! She can use my dick for pleasure as much as she wants. I can't wait for head, the way she talks about giving it in her stories sounds like she loves it and can do it really well. She said usually women want to bite hard dick's. I won't mind her biting me, she can do it as hard as she wants as long as she doesn't draw blood! God im so hard at the moment!
Lil treat her.. I'm touching myself and it feels really good.. My cock is long and erect.. I want to put it deep inside of Amy, make her scream out as loud as she can! Im rubbing the side of my dick through my trousers.. I putting my hand down my boxers now and slowing rubbing my head. I'm pulling back my fore-skin so i can rub the full head. I have cleanched either side of my cock with my thumb and finger (They aren't around it, just on each side) and i am slowly masturbating with my thumb and finger in this position.. My head is wet with... well idk what it is but its not cum and its not sweat. Its kind of dick fluid.. If you know what i mean. I am so erect. I have dragged this text box so it covers only half the screen, the other half is a picture of Amy. I am looking at it as i rub my head again through my trousers. I can feel the wetness of my head through my trousers and i am rubbing it loads. I can myself about to cum any second! I moan out loud quietly... I rarely ever moan unless im really horny! I keep thinking "Oh god yes! Im going to cum any second all over my keyboard and it feels so great that i can't stop!". I am thinking of Amy the whole time! My hands are alternating between the keyboard and my dick! Its reached 7 inch and that usually only happens when i am really fired up! Like when i was having phone sex! Shit! This is what im thinking: "IM GONNA CUM! ITS COMING, ITS COMING, COMING ITS NEARLY THERE! ITS GOING TO GO ALL OVER MY KEYBOARD! YES! YES! OOOOOOOOHHH THIS FEELS SO GREAT! I WISH AMY COULD HEAR MY PLEASURE!" I'm about to cum! Yes! Yes! Another moan! Thats two its going to be a big cum! Here we go my balls are aching i can feel this is a big one! Here we go! I can feel the cum going up my dick! YES! I JUST CUMMED! It squirted right up and onto my pc screen it hit the picture of Amy on the fore-head and is slowly dripping down onto her nose and eyes! The rest of the cum is all overrrrrrr teh keybrd nd te keys arnt worin prper! cleanig it up.
Thats just took me about 7 minutes to clean up! The keyboard is working again but the screen has a mark that won't come off very easily :S
If Amy was on the phone listening she would of loved it! I just know she would! I hope she enjoys reading about me masturbating & is turned on. It is very hard to type and masturbate (NOT WANK! WANKING AND MASTURBATING ARE VERY VERY DIFFERENT THINGS!) And masturabting is longer to make me cum and i cummed in less than 5 minutes. I just thought of Amy and looked at her picture and i got so horny it was very fun and pleasurable indeed!
The other day i had a fantasy! I'm gonna make a new paragraph for it because its long! LoL!

Right, me and Amy finally meet. I walk into hampton court palace and look around for ages for her talking to her on the phone. As she directs me to her. She tells me to turn around and as i rotate she is standing behind me and presses her lips against mine before i even see her. I look and see its Amy so i slide my tounge into her mouth and not knowing what to do (Because i have never done it before) i just leave my tounge in her mouth without moving it for about 2 seconds and her tounge greets mine and starts to massage mine. Making it much easier because idk what to do. I start to massage hers too and before we know it we are properly pulling in the middle of a crowd of many people! I feel her hand squeeze my arse and i like it. She starts to rub her knee in between mine and slowly rubs my cock & balls with her knee. I quickly become hard. I try not to push my pelvis against hers to stop the embarrasment of having an erection in public, but she grabs my erect cock fast with her hand as if she could tell somehow and slowly rubbed it. We pulled away from each other and she grabbed my hand pulling me into the baby-changing facilty. She said her first words to me: "Wait outside for 2 minutes. I want to get ready for you." I walk outside and wait eagerly. After 2 minutes is up i walk in. She is lying flat on her back with her legs apart wearing nothing but her doc martin boots (Gets me so horny when i think of her wearing only her boots) and is lying on the changing table slowly teasing her clit and moaning. She says to me softly "I've taken the pill, come and get it" as she say says that she tilts her head back and closes her eyes. Because i have never done it before i put my face right onto her pussy, thrust my tounge in and start to lick around fast. She moans loudly. I move up a little and continue to lick and rub what i think is the clit with my finger. I learn i guessed right because she starts to moan loudly as i rub her clit. Slowly she pulls me off of her pussy and says "Its your first time, i can tell. Let me do the work for you ;)" and she lays me on my back on the table and pulls all of my clothes off. She then starts to lick down the side of my dick and up the other side. She then takes my dick into her mouth. She can only fit about half of it in so she wanks the part of my dick outside of her mouth. She then stands up and says "Now we are both wet and horny lets get going" She puts one legs both sides of the table and slowly moves along towards me and then jumps up and lands onto my hard dick. Its goes deep inside of her and she breathes in fast and then brethes out deeply. She slowly starts to work up a rythm on top of me moving back and forth, up and down as i go deeper and deeper inside of her. She starts to breathe fast and screams "OH YES! OH CALLUM! OH CALLUM! YES! YES!" and i feel her cum slide down my cock. I then put her on her back and start to fuck her fast and deep. She turns around and bends over on the table, i then slide my dick into her pussy from the behind and i notice my cock went fully into on every thrust when before it didn't. The i remeber that doggy style invloves much deeper penetration and more orgasams. I start to ram her fast and hard. I can feel my balls slap against her ass and she starts to scream without long intervals. Every 5 seconds she screams and cums even more, the more she screams the faster i go. I hear her say "OH! PLEASE IT HURTS! ITS TOO MUCH PLEASURE! PLEASE! PLEASE STOP ITS TOO MUCH! I CAN'T TAKE IT!" i feel myself moan loudly as i have an orgasm and release inside of her. We both drop onto the floor and she says "If thats your first time, i can't wait until you get some practise." i reply with "Thanks ;)".
And thats my dirty fantasy! Amy asked me what mine is the first night i got her mobile number.
The reason it took me ages to write it is because I had to get some "inspiration" ;D

Going to bed now. Odds are quite high i will have a wet dream LoL! As long as i remeber it and its about Amy (Not some hand solo Grr) then i dont mind!

Night people reading this!... Although probabaly wont be night when ya read this still have a nice day peeps!

P.S I hope my fantasy comes true! It could easily come true because i am still a virgin and a kissing virgin(You know what i mean!) and me and Amy still haven't met. So it could happen! Prays to god "Please oh lord, let me and Amy Hamill experience my fantasy and her fantasy during next years summer holidays or anything sooner please!" I actually prayer that.

Oh well night peeps and phedos that wank over me and Amy's pleasure lmao

6 Septemeber
I'm dieing to phone Amy but no-one wants to leave my house,ARGH!

The past few days i have been really really horny.. I keep masturbating in the morning! I do it when im half asleep and i don't really reliase it but i enjoy it anyways. I never cum though because i always know what happens if the boner you wake up with cums (If you masturabate or wank your morning erection and your cum then you cock aches all day its really uncomfortable).

We are getting the phone bill in tomorrow... This bill will determine my future with Amy for ever..
If it doesn't charge to phone Amy then it means i can continue phoning her and get to know her more.
But... if it charges then we are looking at a potentional £54 bill! When i say we i mean i will have to pay and i will have to tell them who it is i was phoning which means:
1. I can't phone Amy anymore.
2. I will have to pay LOADS of the bill
3. My family will know about me and Amy.
4. I will probabally not be allowed to have any contact with Amy because my Mum will say "How do you know that she is not some phedofile?!"

Which is 4 things which will ruin my life forever!
And make me very sad and depressed which could mean i kill myself.
So i am so shitting myself here praying to god that it is free to call Ireland too.
I am so terrified i wish i was with Amy... I want to hug her close to my chest and never let go.
I want her to reassure me and help me like she always does.. But i can't contact her because if i phone her i might be raising the bill! And Vodafone are being dicks and not phoned me about my phone yet! Damn it! Why can't i have the internet?!
My mum is such a bitch! argh!

Please, god. Let the call plan thing we are on include Northern Ireland so that i can continue to contact the love of my life! And not be sad and lonely for years and years and eventually commiting suicide, which is a sin, meaning i would go to hell and rot with Satan! :-'(
Please god! I want to keep contact with Amy, i love her so god damn much! I'm begging you please! I'm on my knees her man! Please, i've never wanted anything so badly in my life! Please... dont let my life be ruined... I've had so many horrible, bad things happen to me please dont let be another because i don't think i would be able to take it! I am going mad here! I am so scared and sad.. Please... If it isn't charging us money to phone Amy please send me a sign! Any sign please! I need her so badly! I'm in love with her, i don't think it i know it! I love her so much... If you can do it i will be eternally in your debt!
Can you make the sign something to do with the computer please so i don't think that something normal is the sign. Please... Please...? Im really worried and your the only person who can help me out here... Please, i beg of you. I know i haven't been very religous in the past but if you can send me a sign to do with my computer than i will know for sure that your real. Please i have nobody else to turn to..

That was my prayer to god... I'm not very religous but i need help from someone and i have nobody else to turn to..
I almost crying the whole way through the prayer.
I need a sign to know if he is going to help me out..
Can the sign mean that it isn't costing the house billpayer for the telephone to call Amy..
She is the glue of my soul.. Without her i would fall to pieces and break...
I can't lose her at the moment..
Maybe in a while when my cracks are stronger and i would recover.. But i dont want to ever lose her because i am so deeply in love with her..
I am 14 and i have found the thing that some people take decades to find.. L-O-V-E

I just logged onto my first ever OTServ (Survival) and it has never had any problems ever! I logged on and the creatures weren't attacking properly. They were walking really slow and moving around too much. They weren't working and it has never had an error before... I am hoping that, that was God's sign.. Because i want God to exsit and because i love Amy so much.

I just remebered something..
I was talking to Amy's friends on msn yesterday while i was at Dan's.
They kept asking me loads of questions, like "so.. Do you have good intentions for Amy" and i replied "Yes, very good intentions" and they kept asking me if i love her and i replied "Yes i love her, with all of my heart!" i hope that her friends think i love Amy and i hope Amy knows that i love her because i would hate to find one day that she hasn't believed anything i have said and that she thinks i don't love her.. I would go mad.. Because i care about her so much and would do ANYTHING in the world for her. Anything. I would gladly take a bullet, be it a water pistol shooting at her or a Magnum 44 firing lead bullets, i would gladly take my life to save her.. I'd do ANYTHING at all for that girl.. I just hope that her love for me is pure and that she isn't just messing around for a good time.. I hope she does love me as much as i love her. She is my sun and moon.. She can't even imagine how much i love her.. I find it harder and harder everyday not to run to the sea (An hou in car about a day or so by foot) and swim all the way to that emerald isle..
Gotta have dinner now. I will continue this later.. :-)

I have just spent ages staring at the pictures of Amy.. I was stroking her check with my finger while listening to my music..
I enjoy seeing her. I hate being apart from her. I've got school tomorrow ~Mutley grunt thingy~ God norgit! Whatever it is :S No offence to God! He has helped me out i dont want to insult him or HER idk if god is male or female! I'm sorry God! You did me a favor by letting me meet Amy, and i want to keep on your good side or you might take her from me.

Going to watch 40 year old virgin on pirate DvD now xD
Night yal ~Tilts Texas Hat~

;D

9 Septemeber 2005
I have good and bad days. Today was a bad day.

First to annoy me was i had Science-Maths-Science-Spanish! ARGH! And DT which isnt too bad but that was 1st lesson.
Second- Theoun kept tempting my patience because i kept threating him. He kept pushing me and pushing me until eventually i bolted it at him and chased him at full sprint for 5 minutes and when i caught him i was too tired to hit him.
Then when i got into science i had a small convo with Claire. Here it is to my memory:
Claire: Who's Amy??
Me: Who do you think?
Claire (With all of her friends with her): Is she your bitch? hahaha
Me: I wouldn't call her my bitch, but she is my girlfriend.
Claire: Do you love her? (Laughs like mad with friends)
Me (Getting really embarrassed): Yeah.. Oh course i love her (SAID INFRONT OF OVER 50 PEOPLE LISTENING!! SCAWY!)
Claire: I'M GONNA TELL YOUR BROTHER! AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Me: NO! Don't! Please!
Claire: Why (In evil voice o.0)
Me: Just please! Don't!
Then the teacher shuts us up for talking.
So that got me pissed off that she might tell my bro.
I get onto msn knowing that Amy should be on at 4ish because she isn't going to her Granny's today. Which means i can finally have a chat with her. She logs and talks for about... 30 seconds?
Then she suddenly says "Sorry, gotta go. Bye."
So i am upset i couldn't talk to her and she didn't even say love you to me :-( just a quick Bye.
Then her friend Rebecca (I'm gonna write Becca because i'm lazzzzy) starts wanting me to have cyber with Amy!
By this point i am getting really angry!
She starts saying she gave me a blowjob or something and she was sounding like an 8 year old!
So i asked her age and when she said 14 i said i told her how old she sounded like and she started to be really horrible to me.
She was saying that no one likes me because im an ugly minger and that Amy is only going out with me because she wants some sex and that she really hates me because im ugly.

And because of Amy logging out so quickly when she saw i was online it made me think that she was telling the truth so at this point i was Angry, Sad and Depressed!
I think that she was lieing now but that really really hurt when she said "no1 liks u coz ur minger!". It hurt me so much when she said that and i felt really down.
She also said i fuck squirrels with my tiny dick. So i said "I haven't got a tiny dick and i am 100% virgin in everyway. And she started laughing saying i was a virgin at kissing and sex and i just said "Yeah.. I have never had sex and i have never kissed someone. So what? I don't care. I'm saving it for Amy."
I want to talk to Amy. I want to phone her right now so much but i can't because there is close to a full house and its too late.
If she isn't online tomorrow and i have a full house then i might not be able to hold back anymore and do something that would end my pain.

I can feel the alcohol going into my bloodstream now and i feel a lil tired.
This has been a bad day.
And when i feel strong emotions like that i don't just lose them they build up and are released all at once on one poor soul.
I might go absoulty MENTAL at that Becca because she hurt me really badly.
I have really low self-confidence and i need to boost it. Things like calling me a minger and nobody likes me because im ugly hurt me really badly and get me depressed for days.
Sometimes i get the urge to climb a clocktower and shot everyone i see with a rifle and then just jump and end my eternal misery and pain.
The only time i am happy is when i am talking to Amy on msn/text/phone.
I want to release my anger physically and beat the shit out of someone.. A twat like... Jamie Hicks >:D
He is basically a bully and will eventually get whats coming to him.

That always confuses me.
His face is covered in spots. But when he acts like a dickhead and shows off by being mean to over people, the girls are all over him! I don't understand it and it annoys me so much that people that could never feel love (Like i do with Amy) get so many girls at his feet! I wish i knew that!

I am feeling lots of rage.
I want to hit someone in the face. Over and over and over until they scream out in pain. But not just anyone. Someone that it does that sort of thing to other people. I want to hurt them so badly.
But. At the same time i am feeling so much love. I want to kiss Amy softly and hug her to my chest so that she can feel heartbeat. I want to whisper love poems into her ear. I just want to be with her. I love her so damn much! I would have no guidence without her. I don't go out and beat up that person who deserves it because i am always thinking of Amy and i wouldn't want to be a dickhead.. Just like them.
Thats not the guy Amy feel in love with.
I think i have sides to me.
Anger and Love.
The anger side is constantly building up but the love i have for Amy is constantly being tested because of our distance. But our love always passes those tests and grows ever stronger.
To think.. We only use 10-15% of our brains.. If i used 100% i would have filled at least 85-90% with love for Amy. ;D Do the math.. :D
Owwwwww! ITS NOT FAIR! I WANT TO BE WITH AMY AND I CAN'T! GOD DAMN! I want to leave now and go over to Ireland and see her. I don't think i can wait until next summer holidays. I want fly/sail over to Belfast asap. Find her house, wait in a Bed & Breakfast until September 26th and then knock on her door on her birthday and as she opens the door i kiss her softly on the lips before she even sees me.
That is a fantasy of mine i have played out in my head oh so many times. And one day will come true. I just remebered Amy's voice and i broke into tears because i love her so much. They are good tears, because i love her so much. I dont know anyone else with a voice quite like Amy's... So soft and sweet.. I'm smiling so much with tears running down my face. It is good tears. I love her so very very much!
I have to take her word for it when she says she thinks about me as much as i think of her. Because i think of her so so much!

Today in Math's i was sitting there staring aimlessly thinking about Amy. My mind was complety blank. I could only faintly see the word Amy drifting through my mind. But i was thinking of her so much then. I wrote her name as an answer without relaising what i was doing.

Lately my body has been acting... "Different" i keep getting random erections without any reason. It can be very arkward..
I keep getting the really strong urge to grab Amy and slam her onto a table and fuck her until she bleeds.
I don't know why my sexual activity has changed since i starting being with Amy but it is kinda cool. She would enjoy laughing at me when i get an erection in public infront of loads of people. LoL!

<This bit is meant to be me saying it kinda whispering and softly>
... :-) I have so many fun things to still do in my life... And i want to share them all with Amy. I'm in love with her. If i get the chance to phone her tomorrow then i will convince her friends that my love for Amy is pure and true. Because they probabally just don't want to see her getting hurt. But the only way she is getting hurt is if she breaks up with me for some reason because i wouldn't dump her. I wouldn't be able to bring myself to do this.

Holy! I was just about to put on Wonderful Night by Fatboy Slim and it went on automatically when it was on random song.. Weird!

I got really annoyed on the phone to Amy the other day because she wanted me to say i don't know in the way she finds cute and i didn't know what she meant! And i felt really bad that i couldn't give her what she wanted and i felt kinda upset. I might record our next convo with my P.C mic so that i can hear her voice whenever i want!

My Mum wants to go to bed now which means i have to go to bed aswell because of the loud keyboard (Even though i love it like that,its cool!)

Thought~ Amy wanted to know my Dick size so i told her so i am going to ask her what her breast size is even though i don't know how big cups are apart from DD which are big LoL!
I'll just ask her to measure them with a tape measure or something so i can get a basic idea. I don't care if she has big tits or small tits or meduim. All sizes turn me on! (Its so weird! Her voice actually gets me hard! And i get so horny when i hear it which would probabally explain the fact that 2 times out of 4 we have been on the phone properly we have had phone sex! And that is really great because i love it SO much when i hear her have an orgasm and when she moans i love it so much! Its getting me hard just thinking about it! Oh yes! She must enjoy it, can't wait to give her one ;D)

Night world~
I want the world to know this:
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Callum Lawrence Loves Amy Hamill Until The Day He Dies! [9/9/05]
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One final thing- got that weird feeling in my stomach again. I think that feeling is love but im just guessing. Although i have only ever felt it with Amy so i could easily be right ;D

Night Peeps~

11 September 2005
Yesterday i got the worst new of my life. The absoult worst i have ever recieved..
Amy's Dad read through her e-mails and has forbidden her to e-mail me, phone me, text me or have any contact with her what so ever.
She has had her mobile taken from her and forbidden from the computer. She can't phone my house because out phone blocks out with-held numers and hers does that automatically. And her Dad has blocked out my number from their phone.
I feel like there is something missing deep inside of me..
I feel so cold right now.. So very very cold..
I have been crying for so long wishing her here. Wanting to have some kind of contact with her..
We were able to have a short conversation this morning by text. She misses me too..
She said something that will stay in my mind until my dieing day.. She said "He can't stop me from loving you." She said that because he can stop us talking but he can't stop out love..
I felt really bad and so so sad last night when i slept over James's, so i decided to do a few of the things i promised Amy i would do when i got the time.
I downloaded the song "Beautiful" by Christina Aguleria (Check Spelling?) and it made me almost burst out crying.. I was holding back the tears but i knew that James could see them. I didn't care.
I went to her website and read everything i could find of any importance.
I then listened to the song that she put on her site..
It was "Break Away" by Kelly Clarkson (Thinks that her name). She said the song was for James Bourne on the caption underneath but when i bothered to listen to it i reliased.. That is what she really wanted to do all this time.. Learn to fly and get away from everyone. She wanted to run away from home.. I believe she left that as a message to everyone that, thats what she really wanted to do.. That song made me hold back the tears too. One tear dripped down my cheek and i knew James saw it and didn't say anything because he knew the pain i was feeling inside of myself..
I just burst into tears again and cried into my cover of my bed.. I miss her so much.. She asked me not to get depressed and to not hurt myself.. But i can't hold back my depression and i am trying so hard to continue living..
I could change this.. But i dont want to because she said her Dad beats her up and i dont want her being hurt.. So i am going to stay quiet for now.. :-'(
Last night on msn when James had gone to sleep Amy's friend o'kane messaged me.. I was talking to Poikins already for a while.. He really helped me out..
I was so desperate to share my feelings that i was feeling with someone that i talked to o'kane until at least 11:00pm to 1:30am.
She used to think i was a 40 year old pervert aswell but now she said that she believes me and feels really sorry for me.. :-( I made a new friend that night..
If it wasn't for my friends helping me out through a tough time then i would have slit my wrists sometime today or sometime yesterday..
You can always use the help of a friend.. I really appreciate it..
I have set-up something to try and cheer up Amy..
James's friend Dark Andogas lives in Belfast and he knows who Amy is. So he is going to write down a message i told him to write and he is going to put it in her pocket so sometime she will look in her pocket and read a piece of paper that says "Amy.. i will always love. I miss you so much and i know we will be able to get through this tough time.. Your prince from a kingdom far far away... Callum."
So she will rather be much nore happy and think "How did he get this message into my pocket...?" because as far as she knows her friends still hate me.      Or she will get really upset and start to cry in the middle of the school. But either was she will know how much i care about her and how far i am willing to show my love to her.
I CAN'T STOP CRYING! IT WOULD BE AS BAD IF WE WERENT STILL IN LOVE BUT WE ARE! :'( Our relationship was just starting to get going...
I am crying so much i can feel the tears running down my face.. I love her so much and i can't even tell her..
I might do something.. I might lie to her.. She horrible things so she hates me.. So then.. I can take all of the pain and my first love can be happy... I'll crush myself so she can be happy.. But i dont think that i could bring myself to doing that.. It would hurt me too much and she would probally reliase what im doing.. I do and i dont want to do that.. It would be the thing of love to do.. She would stop loving me while i still love her.. She would be totally oblivious to the fact that i did it for her happieness and i have died for her..
I'm promising this to myself now! I will go to Belfast sometime when i am 16! If i dont then i will go mad..
It is going to be hard talking to her only through letters.. But hopefully we can arrange when she is going to be in England next and i will go to Hampton Court Palace everyday from 11 to 4. I will do it so that i am assured to meet Amy!
Tomorrow in school is going to be hard.. Its gonna be hard for me to stop myself breaking down and crying... And i dont think my mates will comfort me too much although i know Dan will definataly be there for me..
I'm going to email her father on tuesday.. I am going to pour my heart out and tell him everything.. I am going to plee to him beg him to let me keep contact with Amy.. I wont take no for an answer.. I will talk to him for hours and hours until i can at least talk to her for 5 minutes..
I am going to all out on this one to make sure he sees mine and Amy's side of this.. I want him to know how much we are in love and that by stopping us talking he is hurting his daughter so very much and making her so so sad.. I will tell him that me and Amy are both suicidal and that by stopping us talking he could enevitabally kill his daughter..
I am going to tell all. I might get her in more trouble but if i sucedd then it will be all worth it.. And if i fail then at least Amy will know what i was attempting in the e-mail and she wont mind..

21 Septemeber 2005
Its been a while eh?
Haven't talked in here for a while.
There is so many things going on..
Some good,some bad..
I guess i didn't want write about the bad things because it would be true that they are actually happening.. :-(

Right lets get back up to speed..
Me and Amy were gettin on really well,we were texting,emailing and leaving messages on the Pskonejott forums..
I'd never felt so in love with her..
Then it happened.. Like a ton on bricks falling on me.. Her Dad caught her with a text i sent her..
He got angry and might be contacting my parents and the police.
He hit Amy.. He hit her.. He hit my princess.. My reason for life.. My special someone.. Gatekeeper of my heart.. My Amzy.. :-'(
Had i not been in school at the time i would have fell down to my knees crying because Amy had been hurt..
She has a cracked rib >:-(
I swear down now on the lives of those i love the most that i will seek revenge for this! He cannot escape my wrath.. He-Must-Pay!
Dave told me that if he ever enters Molesey then he would be rushed by Molesey football club, because everyone knows that down her that,that type of thing is no where near exceptable!
As a result,she may be coming down to live with her uncle in Sunbury. Which has 2 good results and a number of bad results.
The 1st good point is that she will be far away from her father,meaning far from harm, and the 2nd good thing is that she will be near me.. The two lovers finally united..
A few bad things are that her Father may find her and beat her more for the treason against him, she will be far from her friends,she will have to join a whole new school, she will not know anyone, she will miss her family and she has to live with her two annoying cousins.
If i was in her shoes then i would be willing to go through all of that to get away from the hands of that heretic!
I personally would be willing to go through all of that just to meet her but thats me and im just a teenager head over heels in love!
I'm going to have to edit this whole diary to make sure that my adress and last name aren't in it anywhere because her Dad might find it and come looking for me.
It must be a hard time for her.. From what i've heard from o'kane she is in lots of trouble and that she doesn't think its my fault at all.
I'm planning to try to send her a present, small teddy with the name "Callum" sewn into it, for her birthday. But it might be 1 or 2 weeks before i can send it because i need to get an envelope big enough and find out how much its gonna cost.
I know it will mean a lot to her because whenever she misses me she can hug the teddy close to her and think of me.. Which should make it easier for her.
Today i scrached the name "Amy" into my arm,the name Amy in bright red displayed on my arm for all to see..
The past couple of days i have been writing mini love things on the back of my hand. Yesterday i wrote "Slip into the land of dreams where i can see you again." today i wrote "Reach into your soul and i will be waiting there." I write them automatically and don't even think about it. It kinda comes out naturally..
I hope Amy is as deep as she seems, because it is very hard to love someone just for their personality, i know i can do it but i have never heard of a girl that can do it.. Hopefully Amy will be the first :-)
I care about her so much.. If her Dad keeps hurting her then i am going to have to get over there, i will beat him shitless and then ask Amy if she wants me to stay with her in Ireland or if she wants to come back with me. And i'll go from there!
I like writing love stories or romantic things to Amy because i know the feeling of love you get and i know she gets it too.

3 October 2005
I lied earlier.. I didn't punch Jamie in the face and break his nose.. But i do stand up to him and he has stopped annoying me now because he is begining to reliase that insulting me in like talking to a brick wall, i can ignore people really easily.
I miss Amy.. I started to read the diary again.. I wanna just sit in total darkness from now on.. I want to have as little contact with people as possible.. I feel really sad at the moment because i haven't talked to Amy since about Thursday and i miss her so very much.
She is such a special girl.. I miss her.. I want to be with her so very much.. It gets me angry that her Dad can be with her all the time and he beats her up and is very mean to her. Why can someone who is so mean be with her but someone who loves her so very much can't!

I was in PSHE (Sex Education) today and it showed a cartoon about masturbating, it had a girl fingering herself in the bath, pointing the shower head at her Clit for pleasure, fingering herself through her underwear and putting a bike seat in there! I got so so sad when that was on because it reminded me of what Amy does and i couldn't get her outta my head and i wanted to cry because she means so much to me.
Also in PSHE Miss Collette told us that a man has a thing called a Hyman, which is the thing at the top of the head next to the head, and she said that it will break during sex. She said if anyone does Horse-Riding or bike riding then it had already probably broke. I'm kinda scared because I dint want my dick ripping and be in loads of pain! or if I'm having sex for the first time I bleed all inside of her and she gets Aids (But I will always wear a condom so no-one gets pregnant and she doesn't get any STDs.
She also told us that the clit kinda gets bigger when a girl gets horny like boys dicks do. I dunno why Amy never mentioned that..
Wish i was horny.. I wanna masturbate but i got cold hands and I'm not horny at all so i can't do anything at all :S:S
This is the 1622nd line! Ahh LoL!
I'm gonna read some of Amy's fan fics so i get really hard really quick and i can have a quick wank :p
So i probabally won't write in here again today.
Night all~
18613 Words, 40 pages, 91798 letters, 1747 lines. Enjoy =D

Added on 4th October 2005: I didn't masturbate in the toilet i did it under my covers in bed and took Amy's advice, i cleaned it up with a paper tower xD

4 October 2005
Today i finally brought a big envolope and put the teddy and letter i wrote out into it and i have sealed it up and put her adress on one side and the return adress on the other side =D
I need to take it up to the post office and get it weighed to see how much i'm gonna be paying to send it to her. Whatever it is i will pay it without caring!
I hope she likes and and her Dad doesn't read the return adress and open it, get the letter and go mental! That would be disastrous!
I know she will like the teddy because i know if she sent me one then i would keep it with me all the time and never let it out of my sight ever!

Today on the bus i was tlaking to Gabriella and she seemed to notice how much i was missing Amy so she was kinda there for me without really saying much.
She read my texts and asked me a few things, she said Amy is dirty and i said i enjoy it and kinda got sad.. She also asked me what i've done with a girl, i said "Nothing... Not even a hug.. :'(" she seemed pretty suprised by that and didn't really expect me to say that.. I guess i might be a little more attractive than i first thought..
I was really sad on the bus and i appreciated that everyone gave me the space i needed and when they spoke to me they were sensitive to my emotions because i could have easily broke down in tears right there on the bus.
Gabriella can see how much i love Amy and how much i miss her and instead of making fun she tried to make me feel better.. Thats what i wish more people would do for me but it seems that the world is running out of people like that and that makes me very sad indeed.

I just found a text file i wrote a long long time ago when i was with Sammy, i thought i was in love but now i know that i was just lonely. Anyways this is what i wrote:-

"Its is not worth the hassal, it causes too much pain.
I want it so much i often get false illusions of it. It has destroyed me.
I was once full of hope and joy and now i am filled with sorrow, anger and sadness.
Suicide has been considered but i wish to live out my life to try and get another glimse of it.
I long for it so much and yet i know i most probally will not experencie it again for a long time.
Although i will have it for one person they will almost definatly never feel the same back to me.
I am a very very sad child and WILL make my life better.
The "Thing" i am referring to is as they say; "Love"."

I have found love finally, and yet it stills causes me so much pain! Love is found in the strangest places imaginable.. I found it hundreds of miles away from me, Amy can only love me for me because she has never met me. Our relationship is so very strong because relationships built on love can easily crumble, someone gets a spot and they are gone.
Me and Amy don't care, we get a spot and we won't go mad trying to get rid of it with loads of shitty expensive treatment, we just accept that everyone gets them and we ride them out. We love each other for each other thats why i love her so much. She is the first person to ever love me.. It feels weird to say that she loves me.. There is someone out there that actually loves me and cares about me more than i can ever imagine!
Someone that loves me so much and has never even met me.. It takes a lot of strength to do that but once you do it for a while with each other it gets so much better!
I'm deeply in love with her and it may seem silly but i would really love to spend my love with her.. Hey! in 2 years i'm outta school and into the real world, i've just relised that my life is going and its up to me to make it good i can't expect people to make it for me so i seeked out Amy and we can do it together all the way!
Share the fun and the sorrow. I'll be with her all the way, i feel really bad that i'm not with her right now because i really want to be with her to comfort her when she needs it. I love her so very very much.. I want to be with her i've never wanted something more than anything in my whole life.. I want to be with my special girl.. I love her so very much and i'm going to have to wait so very very long until i meet her..
I'm considering phoning her Dad and talking to him for a long long time about me and Amy until eventually he can see it from mine and hers point of view. I want to explain to him that he can stop us speaking but i will find ways to gradually pass on messages to her even if they move. And if he stops all forms of contact than i will get a message to her asking for her to wait until my 16th birthday and i will fly over there to see her! I know i would be willing to wait that long because of the such strong love i feel for her, i just hope that she could too.

I'm gonna go do some mapping now.
Have fun.
I'm gonna make this diary slowly become public soon because i want people to know what i'm feeling, i know some people would make fun of me as they read through the start of it but as it gets more deep into the diary they will start to feel bad and feel sorry for me if they are real human beings that is.

God bless all, i hope one day you feel the about someone that i feel about Amy.
Its the greatest feeling your ever experience, i swear on my life on that. Its so wonderful being in love and knowing there is someone wishing you good night every night and thinking about you all the time. Its wonderful. I'm so very sorry for those of you that never feel that. No matter what you've done in life i truly do hope you experience this.

I just remebered something i said to Amy once, "If you ever feel like you want to die just think to yourself, 'Do i really want to die before i meet the guy whos crazy about me?'

Good night all. I love you Amy. I truly do.